


Guiscard's adventure

by feitan



Category: Arslan Senki | Heroic Legend of Arslan
Genre: Grenades, It's a wild ride, Jamba Juice, Pizza Hut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 22:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5182487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feitan/pseuds/feitan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermes has a grenade and wants some pizza. Daryun gets covered in smoothie. Narsus commits grand theft auto.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guiscard's adventure

**Author's Note:**

> i have no excuse for writing this just take it

Guiscard sat impatiently in the passenger seat of the Matte Black Lamborghini Aventador LP700-4. He and Hermes had arrived there, the Papa John’s parking lot, at 8:47pm. The time now was 9:29 and Hermes was still inside the establishment. Guiscard lifted his head from where it rested in his hand and looked forward, through the glass windows of the pizza shop. Hermes was nowhere to be found, and neither were any employees.

“What has that fool done now?!” Guiscard asked, opening the door. He was used to things like this happening, but today had been a long day, and all he wanted to do was to go home and enjoy a slice of pizza while he watched the recent episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta that he’d recorded on their DVR. (Their DVR was 96% full and all of it was episodes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta that he refused to delete). 

However, upon exiting the vehicle, Guiscard’s foot landed on the end of his coat and he was sent flying face-first into the dusty pavement of the parking lot.

“Curses!” he yelled, quickly picking himself up and brushing off the remaining pieces of gravel. From somewhere above him, he heard a familiar chuckle. He looked towards the roof of the Papa John’s, and was not at all surprised at what he saw. Hermes was holding a few of the unfortunate employees at sword’s point, an open pizza box in his other hand. 

Guiscard gasped and began sprinting towards the door of the building, leaving the car door ajar. The last time he’d let Hermes kill a civilian, the consequences were dire. Guiscard did not desire to spend another night in prison. He shoved open the door and looked around the shop until he saw another door that most likely led to the roof. He rushed towards it and slammed his body into it with all of his might before remembering that he had to turn the handle in order to open the door. He did so. Before him was a steep staircase, heading up. He let out a deep sigh. He was never any good at extreme physical activities, such as climbing staircases, but he would endure it, for his sake and Hermes’.

Meanwhile, Arslan and his friends were leaving Jamba Juice, each sipping on their newly-acquired smoothies. Daryun held the door open for everyone, until Narsus. He let the door swing shut, just as his friend was about to step through it, causing Narsus to drop his smoothie, startled. Daryun chuckled a hearty chuckle. He loved picking on Narsus. 

Narsus’s expression darkened as he locked his gaze onto Daryun through the glass smoothie shop door. He turned on his heel, heading back to the counter where he demanded another smoothie. After Narsus received his new drink from the flustered employee, he rejoined the others outside where he promptly dumped the contents of the cup onto Daryun’s head. 

“AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Daryun wailed, frantically trying to wipe the smoothie off of his head, to no avail. Narsus said nothing, only smiled confidently as he continued walking towards the parking lot. He’d gotten his vengeance.

Mildly confused as always, Arslan chuckled nervously and swiftly shoved Daryun back inside the Jamba Juice. (I know that sounds a little too violent for Arslan but considering the fact that Daryun probably weighs 800lbs of pure muscle, a light shove just wasn’t going to do the trick.) Fortunately, one of the employees had seen what happened and was already rushing to help them, a roll of paper towels in her hand. However, Daryun disliked strangers rushing towards Arslan and reacted instinctively, pointing the end of his battle spear (as I’ve recently learned is the official term for it) right at the woman’s face.

“STAY BACK!” he shouted. The employee shrieked, dropping the paper towels as she turned to flee behind the counter.

“Daryun!” Arslan scolded, gesturing to the counter that the woman had fled behind. “You need to stop threatening civilians!” This had already happened five times that day, and Arslan was getting sick of it. He’d tried to make Daryun apologize to the people he’d frightened in earlier incidents, but he usually just ended up scaring them even more by trying to talk to them, leaving Arslan to apologize on his behalf.

“My apologies, Your Highness!” Daryun said, finally withdrawing his spear. “It will not happen again!”

Arslan wanted to believe him, but Daryun had said the same thing the last time, and the time before that. He feared there was nothing to be done about it. He shook his head and left to go apologize to the Jamba Juice employee.

Thankfully, Elam had picked up the roll of paper towels and gestured for Daryun to lean down. When he did so, Elam took a paper towel and began gently patting the top of Daryun’s head. This wasn’t really helping at all, but Elam knew that Narsus would yell at him if he didn’t try to help Daryun, even though Narsus was the one that did this. 

“THANK YOU, ELAM!” Daryun yelled directly into Elam’s ear. Elam subsequently passed out.

After all that had happened, Guiscard had finally managed to ascend all of the stairs and make it to the roof. He threw open the door and fell to his knees, breathing raggedly. The twelve stairs had been too much for him in his old age. 

When Hermes heard the door open, he scowled, grit his teeth, and made that ugly noise he makes when he’s gritting his teeth. You know the one.

“ROBERT!” He yelled, whipping his head around to face his long time acquaintance, Robert Guiscard. “JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING. QUIT INTERFERING WITH EVERYTHING I DO. THIS DOES NOT CONCERN YOU.”

Guiscard grimaced, picking himself off the ground. “You took too long to get the pizza, so I just came to check on you. What the fuck is this.” He weakly gestured to the two employees that were backed up to the edge of the rooftop, Hermes’ sword blocking any means of escape. 

“WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE. I AM SIMPLY TRYING TO ORDER A PIZZA.” Hermes responded, genuinely confused.

“What’s wrong with the one in your hand?” Guiscard asked. He was used to his friend’s antics, but this was especially strange. 

“THIS? CAN YOU NOT SEE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PIZZA, GUISCARD?” Hermes asked. He violently shoved the open pizza box in front of Guiscard, who examined it briefly before giving a noncommittal shrug. 

“IT HAS TOMATO ON IT, YOU FOOL!!!” Hermes shouted, tossing the box over his shoulder. “I HATE TOMATOES!!!!!!”

Guiscard wondered if Hermes understood the concept of pizza before concluding that Hermes had trouble understanding the concept of anything besides killing and yelling. 

“Hermes,” he began, attempting to inform his friend that tomatoes were an essential part of any pizza.

“SILENCE, BUFFOON,” Hermes interjected, pulling a grenade from the front pocket of his hoodie. The employees’ faces morphed into expressions of terror as he pulled the pin. He raised his arm and aimed the grenade at them before tossing it. However, he was a really bad aim and the grenade flew over the edge of the roof and landed somewhere on the sidewalk below. 

That “somewhere below” just happened to be right at Arslan’s feet as he was walking back to their car, Daryun and Elam close behind him. He jumped a little and looked at it curiously. Arslan had never seen a grenade before, so he didn’t really know what the strange object was. He reached down and picked it up in order to examine it closer. 

Daryun saw this and was immediately worried that the unknown object might prove to be harmful. He sprinted forward, grabbed the grenade from Arslan’s hand and shoved it in his mouth. 

“Daryun!!!!!” Arslan shouted. He was scared and confused as he watched Daryun swallow the grenade whole.

“My apologies, Your Highness.” Daryun said. “That object could have been dangerous. I, Daryun, would never allow harm to come to you, Y—” Daryun stopped abruptly as the grenade exploded. He quickly recovered, however. “Your Highness.”

While that was occurring, Narsus had come across an unlocked Matte Black Lamborghini Aventador LP700-4. The door was even left open. It was like the owner was asking someone to take it. Narsus opened the door and sat down in the passenger seat. The key was in the ignition. 

After Guiscard had finally calmed Hermes down from his rage after completely missing his target with the grenade, they made their way back down the stairs. Hermes was still fuming, he was just keeping it to himself. Crossing his arms, he glared angrily at the floor. “I’m not even hungry anymore,” he muttered. 

Guiscard, however, was still hungry. He knew that there had been no food at their apartment since Hermes had destroyed their fridge two months ago. All they had was 32 bags of Lays potato chips, but that would just have to suffice. “Let’s just go home.”

Hermes growled and Guiscard too that as a yes. He pushed open the front door of the Papa Johns and stepped out onto the sidewalk just in time to witness Narsus speeding out of the parking lot in his car. Hermes saw this, and began to rage once again. He started to sprint at 100% full speed towards the car. Guiscard watched as the vehicle exited the parking lot and returned to the road, followed by Hermes. Now he was left with no way to get home. He grimaced and sat down on the curb just as it began to rain. Elam joined him after he’d woken up, abandoned in the Jamba Juice.


End file.
